Friday, September 02, 2005

BUSHIT BULLSHIT - President Arrives in Alabama

BUSHIT BULLSHIT

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch. (Laughter.)
Dubner compares it to Dukakis's bloodless abdication of vengeance against the hypothetical guy who raped and murdered his wife. But it's worse than that. It's like Churchill comforting bombed out Britons with the prospect of all the fine curry joints that'll soon open where their homes used to stand.

So you know what? If he can take this lightly, we can play a little game. Using Bush's above quote as inspiration and stylistic template, jump in the time machine and put Bush on the podium after other great disasters and calamities. What does he think about the plague? The sacking of the Temple? The burning of Rome? The defeat of the French? Remember -- all entries have to have Bush coming from the perspective of the afflicted, and all have to be as grossly inappropriate as this one. The best ones will go up on the main page later today.

BUSHIT BULLSHIT

The good news is -- could someone stop that guy coughing in the back? Thanks. The good news is that we have contained the plague. A lot of good people, hard workin' people, have put their effort into separating out the victims and giving them the best care available so that the rest of us, of you, really, can get on with rebuilding our lives. And the really great news is that those houses, the infected houses and and such, that we're burning down because they harbor infection, those houses and businesses are going to be replaced by some hedges and in no time at all the Church will have some sheep out there grazing and it will be really pastoral, really beautiful. People will come from miles around to gaze at the sheep and think about all the people who used to live in this village, so you'll all be remembered. Now just head on down the road a bit towards London. I hear things are okay over there and we'll make sure you have what you need -- what's that? -- Okay, sorry, I guess...I guess they're sayin' we'll make sure you know the way.


BUSHIT BULLSHIT

THE GOOD NEWS IS : BUSHIT

To the citizens of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, I say, look at the good news. Not only have you been liberated from an

oppressive empire, but soon you'll have giant radioactive monsters to aid in the reconstruction efforts.

"I think that he people of the Warsaw Ghetto, I know it's hard to see it now, but out of this will come a better

Warsaw. Stalin, he had an apartment here, it's been gassed, he lost it. But he'll build a nicer apartment building,

and I'm looking forward to sitting onthe balcony and looking out where all of you used to be."


If there is any society in the world where people laugh over just-filled graves, I'm not aware of it.

English seemingly doesn't have a word to describe this behavior. Rude, uncaring, insensitive, out-of-touch, etc. are

not harsh enough to do the job of describing Bush's behavior.

I'm torn in my mind between believing that Bush is propped up on drugs to keep him stable - with these sick side

effects - or he is just the pathological personality that some suspect based on his lifelong behavior. Either way,

this guy is dangerous to our country.

This can't be a man within the normal range of acts and words that any public figure is expected to far within.

Maybe 'pathological' does do the job but it seems too tame a word.

He is SICK!

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this crucifixtion there's going to come a

fantastic new savior, like he was before. Out of the rubble of Jesus's old body -- he's lost a lot of weight -- there's

going to be a fantastic new Lord to lead us all into the Promised Land. And I'm looking forward to His helping me

quit drinking so I can get there.

"The good news is - and it is hard for Yoko to see this now - is that we are gonna see a fantastic new Beatles just

like they used to be. Out of this tragedy and senseless murder we'll see them rebuild. Maybe they can get Eddie

Rabbit, or that funny praying mantis lookin' fella, who's he from? Yeah! The Cars! Love them Cars. Anyway, before

you know it I'll be gettin' high as hell to a whole brand new White Album just like I was back in the old days."

The good new is that Louisiana is going to be much less Democratic in 2006, especially if we can keep the busses

from coming back.

These guys in charge of the reconstruction money? Lott's house will be rebuilt with your tax dollars ate twice

market costs, and the New Orleans refugees will transported away, unless they want to retrain as house servants.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this misguided war is going to come a new

Iraq, like it was before, only with Sharia. Out of the rubble of this Iraqi neighborhood -- this whole neighborhood

was destroyed -- there's going to be a fantastic American military base. And I'm looking forward to bringing

democracy to other nations from that base. (Laughter.)

Oh wait...

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of Black Thursday is going to come a terrific

bull market. I don't think anybody anticipated the panic of the markets, but we're beginning to move in the help

that people need.

Out of the rubble of those brokerages -- who have lost ten traders -- there's going to be a fantastic new

speculative boom.

Eleven! Eleven. Did you see that? I'm looking forward to buying the oil futures of that guy who just jumped past

us.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Cambodia, like it was before.The little Lon here - his entire family was chopped up by the Khmer Rouge - he's

gonna get a wonderful new family and kids.And I look forward to giving them a tax cut (laughter).

"The good news about our 'Shock & Awe' campaign -- and this may be hard for dead Iraqis to appreciate this right

now -- is that Iraq will be rebuilt into a magical and wonderful democracy, free from the bloodshed of its past, and

Americans will be greeted as liberators".

Okay, I realize I went off the template a little bit, but I couldn't resist.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come some fantastic

ruins. Out of the rubbles of the Roman empire -- they've lost their entire civilization -- there's going to be some

fantastic museums. And I'm looking forward to visiting them.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new

family, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of John Ramsey's life -- he's lost his entire daughter -- there's going

to be a fantastic new family. Although I hope there's a little less clothesline and spunk next time. (Laughter.)

Ugh. I hardly believe I wrote that. I have to wash my brain out now.

"I know this is hard to imagine now, but it is only a matter of time before we build a tower tall enough to reach

God. And when we do, I look forward to meeting him and basking in His eternal light. But I gotta say, we're gonna

need a few interpreters before we get started this time. Anyone know Sephardic? What about Hittite?"

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Pompeii, like it was before. Out of the ashes of burned out bodies -- and those people have lost all their mass --

there's going to be fantastic bodies. And I'm looking forward to making some plaster sculptures of bodies

(Laughter.)

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Imperial Russia, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Czar Nicholas’s family -- he's lost his entire family --

there's going to be a fantastic family. And I'm looking forward to playing rugby with the new Alexei. (Laughter.)

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this late 1990's peace and prosperity is

going to come a fantastic Republican party, like it was before. Out of the ashes of blind irrational Clinton hatred --

and my god, we can't stand Bill Clinton or anything associated with him, whether it's balanced budgets or

bipedalism -- there's going to be a fantastically fucked up new America. And I'm looking forward to sitting in the

White House and laughing at... fuck, whoever I want to laugh at, because I'm the president, and you're not.

(Laughter.)

"Let them eat cake."

GWB, 1912: "The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a

fantastic movie someday. Out of the shipwreck in the North Atlantic -- and we've lost the entire boat -- there's

going to be a fantastic Hollywood spectacle. And I'm looking forward to sitting down with a big bowl of popcorn

and watching 'Titanic.'"

It appears that no one wishes to discuss if this is impeachable or not. Wasn't that the question? This now

resembles a Junior-High school 'Slam book" and little else.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

medical advances, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the Jewish race -- we lost like six million of us --

there's going to be some fantastic research done. And I'm looking forward to taking some of that medicine.

(Laughter.)


"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of the chaos and waste and corruption and

needless bloodshed of this administration is going to come a whole new political paradigm in this country, where

cronyism and ideological blindness will no longer dominate the Republican Party -- we've lost our entire credibility

-- and no member of my accursed family will ever be nominated as a Republican candidate for dogcatcher. And I'm

looking forward to sitting on my porch in Crawford with Jeb and George P. and the twins, talking about the days

when we had a future in this party."

Under Article II, Section 4 of the Constituion, the President "shall be removed from office on impeachment for, and

conviction of, treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors." While I'm no expert in this area, it

doesn't appear that being dimwitted, uncaring, completely shifless and otherwise wretchedly incompetent

constitute any of these offenses, or any other sort of criminal offense. That said, GWB is an offense to man and

God.

So far, first prize goes to Dr.FrankLives.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a new and

improved Vietnam, better than before. Out of the clouds of napalm engulfing a small girl's house -- she's lost all

her clothes -- there's going to be a bordello. And I'm looking forward to that young naked girl sitting on my porch.

(Laugheter.)

No way. I vote for Ugh and methane. That one made me snort.

Greg's entry made me laugh out loud -- the first good laugh I've had for weeks.

And I think Reba ("could someone stop coughing in the back") has a job writing for Bob Newhart soon.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this meteor strike is going to come some

fantastic new energy sources. After the bones of us dinosaurs -- pretty much all of us are going to starve to death

under this enormous cloud of dust -- have been heated and compressed for hundreds of millions of years, there's

gonna be a lot of oil. And I'm looking forward to drilling some of that oil.

Ok, maybe that one's not far-fetched enough.

Whoa -- Scar deserves a round of applause for that one!

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new

South, like it was before. Out of the rubble of the plantations--they've all lost so much--there will be fantastic new

sharecropping estates, and a new generation of anti-black legislation as soon as we get this reconstruction

business over with. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porches of those plantations, sipping ice tea and

watching the darkies work.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -that when the rivers are finally cleared of the Tutsi

bodies, Rwanda will have a lot of job openings and rapid promotions, for anyone with a can do attitude and it

willing to work. We're also going to learn a lot about forgiveness, and real estate prices are sure to ease in the

coming months. I don't know about you, but I've got my eye on a few empty mansions around the city. (laughter)

Well, Jim Jones and the church members had a bit of a miscalculation in their Kool-Aid mixture. But I'm sure that

the survivors will be able to figure out which ingredients to leave out (or just not put as much in), and we'll be

able to have a REALLY great church picnic back in Guyana next year.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to bring forth a fantastic

Jonestown - like it was before.And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch with the new cult members ,sipping

some of that sweet Kool-Aid.

Damn,somebody else thought of Jim Jones first.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Enron.Out of the rubbles of the employees' savings -- they lost everything they had -- there's going to be a

fantastic company. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the board.

>>It appears that no one wishes to discuss if this is impeachable or not.

Impeaching is done by Congress. Congress is run by Republicans. Bush would have to be videotaped fucking farm

animals to even get an impeachement vote - and he'd still no get impeached.

"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Pearl

Harbor, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the Arizona – we’ve lost most of the fleet -- there's going to be a

fantastic memorial and continual oil slick. And I'm looking forward to one of those drinks with the little umbrella in

it. (Laughter.)"

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new

America, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the Native Americans -- we've lost pretty much everything --

there's going to be some fantastic casinos. And I look forward to playing the slots.

Sorry, forgot to punctuate it with (Laughter.)

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this fire is going to come a fantastic Rome,

like it was before. Out of the ashes of Trentus Lottus's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a

fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to playing my fiddle on the porch. (Laughter.)

With black community leaders so justly furious about the slowness of the rescue and supplies to arrive, what a

time to be clowning around with Trent Lott. Gawd.

Can they PLEASE impeach him now?!

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new

Oklahoma Federal Building, like it was before. Out of the rubbles from McVeigh's righteous outrage at any sort of

government -- and he did go a bit over the top -- there's going to be a fantastic new target for our party to

campaign against, even as we use it to loot tax money. And I'm looking forward to making a few bucks off it too.

(Laughter.)

The good news is Jackie never looked good in pink and that stain with the president's blood and gray matter will

never come out, so she'll have to get rid of that awful dress and pillbox hat.

The good news is -- and it's hard for straight America to see it now -- that out of this massive earthquake is going

to come a fabulous new San Francisco, with rapidly appreciating property values and a wonderful yearly parade.

Out of the rubbles of the bathhouses – which are strictly heterosexual today -- there's going to be enough man

sex to make Alexander the great blush. And I'm looking forward to finally getting on with my man date.

(Laughter.)

I think we've got this whole contest wrong.

"We're going to win the war on weather." Then, Jonah Goldberg or people of his ilk start saying that those who

criticize the President are on the side of nature.

And they must ridiculed and those who support them oppose man.

Sorry, I'm not as witty as others above. I know people who have family down there and my sense of humor is

really just off. But Greg totally gets any vote that applies here, if such a vote exists -- which I know it doesn't.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Chernobyl, a Chernobyl like it was before, only now one that glows in the dark. Out of the rubbles of the power

plan there -- they lost an entire powerplant -- there's going to be a fantastic power plant. And I'm looking forward

to seeing it glow. (Laughter.)

(Perhaps a bit obvious, but I'm on a roll with the Star Wars references today...)

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Republic, like it was before. Out of the remains of Anakin Skywalker's humanity -- he's lost his entire humanity --

there's going to be a fantastic new person. And I'm looking forward to ruling the galaxy with him. (Laughter.)

Posted by: Bryan Collinsworth | Sep 2, 2005 6:47:46 PM

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

universe, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the heat death of the universe -- all matter has been consumed

-- there's going to be another big bang and a fantastic universe. And I'm looking forward to it all being run by

well-connected rich morons, just like before. (Laughter.)

Hee. But Mr Collinsworth, there are so many Star Wars references you can plug:

"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Alderaan, like it was before. Out of the remains of Leia Organa's planet -- she's lost her entire planet -- there's

going to be a fantastic new void in the middle of space. And I'm looking forward to blowing up more rebel planets

like hers." (Laughter.)

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of the global destruction of the earth by this

heaven-sent flood, me, my boy Noah, and my animals here on this ark are going to repopulate the world.

Now, watch me fuck this monkey... (Laughter)


"The good news is -- and it's hard for you N'awlins natives to see it now -- is that the fires aren't spreading! They

can't spread, see? They burn down to the water line and go out by themselves. This'll save you big bucks in

rebuilding over the next few months." (Laughter.)

The real tragedy, and I know it's hard to see this now, is that most of the submissions posted here have actually

been a lot less reprehensible and monstrous than Dear Leader's. I don't blame anyone here for that. There's no

shame at failing an impossible mission.


The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this annihilation of the twelve colonies by

the Cylons we’re going to go on a fantastic journey to our lost colony, Earth. Out of the rubbles of our lost worlds

– and there’s not many of us left -- there's going to be a fantastic chance to procreate. And I'm looking forward to

the meeting some of the newly single ladies. (Laughter.)

Posted by: Sauce | Sep 2, 2005 7:37:00 PM

Sauce, you are frakking EVIL.

Okay, that proves it. Bush is a toaster.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that our friend Dr. Strangelove here has assured me

that despite the Doomsday Machine going off -- some humans will go on living underground until the Earth is

livable again.I understand there will be some interesting procreational options - heh - for high government

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come an anthill that

will rise above the sidewalk crack again, adn that will withstand even the hightop Chucks which decimated our old

anthill.


"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that because you've been repeatedly raped, in nine

months you're going to give birth to a beautiful baby boy, or baby girl. Out of your torn and bleeding uterus -- your

rapist tore your uterus, by the way -- there's going to be a fantastic new child. And I look forward to reading that

child a story about a pet goat, and teaching it about intelligent design."

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now-- is that Dunwich will rebuilt all the houses destroyed

with the latest technology, and with the two additional social workers coming in from Alyesbury twice a week,

we'll be able to put a stop to people breeding their daughters with Elder Gods before too long(laughter and

applause.

While thoroughly enjoying this little outpouring of comedic creativity, I must admit I've also been waiting with

baited breath for some righty to come along and denounce us all for mocking the President's efforts to give people

hope in times of tragedy. Are we simply so cynical as to believe that there is no future for New Orleans, that there

are no second chances, that disaster can never give way to triumph?

I think the answer to such a reaming-out is simple, though: It's not the prospects for relief and rebirth that we

mock; it's that our President's shallow attempt to offer a cheap imitation of these noble sentiments reveals his

inability to acknowledge the depth of the tragedy that is still unfolding, and forbodes an equal ineptitude at ever

leading us toward genuine, affirming rebuilding and rebirth in its wake (though I'm sure Trent Lott's house will

manage, somehow).

Instead, like so many times before, he offers condescending answers to questions no one is asking, as if the only

cause of the starvation, deprivation, looting, and other horrors we are witnessing is insufficient optimism on the

part of those suffering in Louisiana and Mississippi.

I vote Edddie wins, for managing to come up with something that would make Bush's handlers commit hara-kiri on

the spot if he ever actually uttered it.


The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that the disagreement in Nanking means several things:

1) With a lower population, housing prices will come down, and everyone now will have more to eat.

2) Many women will soon give birth to children who represent the best of both worlds.

I look forward to meeting some if those children in several years, and having them do my laundry.


The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this will come a better, stronger Atlantis, one

destined to rise up and be a beacon of light and civilzation for the rest of the world.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that the strength and individual fortitude of the Donner

party represent the core of what's best about America. And we'll all be able to share some fine new recipes, which

I look forward to serving at the next State Dinne

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a even better

New Orleans, more better than before. Out of the rubbles of the French Quarters -- and I hate the French you see

-- there's going to be some fantastic business opportunities for Halliburton. And I'm looking forward to drinking a

Margarita with Cheney. Where's Ken Lay by the way.. (Laughter.)

(Oh shit, that's already happening...... )

The good news---and this may be hard for some to see it now---is that our of the ruins of Mordor there is going to

come a whole new Mordor. Out of what's left of Sauron---and he's lost his entire body---there's going to be

erected a great whole new tower. And I look forward to sitting on its battlements eye-to-eye with him, and

laughing at the small angry men with burning faces and hairy feet with him.





To the citizens of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, I say, look at the good news. Not only have you been liberated from an

oppressive empire, but soon you'll have giant radioactive monsters to aid in the reconstruction efforts.

"I think that he people of the Warsaw Ghetto, I know it's hard to see it now, but out of this will come a better

Warsaw. Stalin, he had an apartment here, it's been gassed, he lost it. But he'll build a nicer apartment building,

and I'm looking forward to sitting onthe balcony and looking out where all of you used to be."


If there is any society in the world where people laugh over just-filled graves, I'm not aware of it.

English seemingly doesn't have a word to describe this behavior. Rude, uncaring, insensitive, out-of-touch, etc. are

not harsh enough to do the job of describing Bush's behavior.

I'm torn in my mind between believing that Bush is propped up on drugs to keep him stable - with these sick side

effects - or he is just the pathological personality that some suspect based on his lifelong behavior. Either way,

this guy is dangerous to our country.

This can't be a man within the normal range of acts and words that any public figure is expected to far within.

Maybe 'pathological' does do the job but it seems too tame a word.

He is SICK!

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this crucifixtion there's going to come a

fantastic new savior, like he was before. Out of the rubble of Jesus's old body -- he's lost a lot of weight -- there's

going to be a fantastic new Lord to lead us all into the Promised Land. And I'm looking forward to His helping me

quit drinking so I can get there.

"The good news is - and it is hard for Yoko to see this now - is that we are gonna see a fantastic new Beatles just

like they used to be. Out of this tragedy and senseless murder we'll see them rebuild. Maybe they can get Eddie

Rabbit, or that funny praying mantis lookin' fella, who's he from? Yeah! The Cars! Love them Cars. Anyway, before

you know it I'll be gettin' high as hell to a whole brand new White Album just like I was back in the old days."

The good new is that Louisiana is going to be much less Democratic in 2006, especially if we can keep the busses

from coming back.

These guys in charge of the reconstruction money? Lott's house will be rebuilt with your tax dollars ate twice

market costs, and the New Orleans refugees will transported away, unless they want to retrain as house servants.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this misguided war is going to come a new

Iraq, like it was before, only with Sharia. Out of the rubble of this Iraqi neighborhood -- this whole neighborhood

was destroyed -- there's going to be a fantastic American military base. And I'm looking forward to bringing

democracy to other nations from that base. (Laughter.)

Oh wait...

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of Black Thursday is going to come a terrific

bull market. I don't think anybody anticipated the panic of the markets, but we're beginning to move in the help

that people need.

Out of the rubble of those brokerages -- who have lost ten traders -- there's going to be a fantastic new

speculative boom.

Eleven! Eleven. Did you see that? I'm looking forward to buying the oil futures of that guy who just jumped past

us.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Cambodia, like it was before.The little Lon here - his entire family was chopped up by the Khmer Rouge - he's

gonna get a wonderful new family and kids.And I look forward to giving them a tax cut (laughter).

"The good news about our 'Shock & Awe' campaign -- and this may be hard for dead Iraqis to appreciate this right

now -- is that Iraq will be rebuilt into a magical and wonderful democracy, free from the bloodshed of its past, and

Americans will be greeted as liberators".

Okay, I realize I went off the template a little bit, but I couldn't resist.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come some fantastic

ruins. Out of the rubbles of the Roman empire -- they've lost their entire civilization -- there's going to be some

fantastic museums. And I'm looking forward to visiting them.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new

family, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of John Ramsey's life -- he's lost his entire daughter -- there's going

to be a fantastic new family. Although I hope there's a little less clothesline and spunk next time. (Laughter.)

Ugh. I hardly believe I wrote that. I have to wash my brain out now.

"I know this is hard to imagine now, but it is only a matter of time before we build a tower tall enough to reach

God. And when we do, I look forward to meeting him and basking in His eternal light. But I gotta say, we're gonna

need a few interpreters before we get started this time. Anyone know Sephardic? What about Hittite?"

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Pompeii, like it was before. Out of the ashes of burned out bodies -- and those people have lost all their mass --

there's going to be fantastic bodies. And I'm looking forward to making some plaster sculptures of bodies

(Laughter.)

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Imperial Russia, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Czar Nicholas’s family -- he's lost his entire family --

there's going to be a fantastic family. And I'm looking forward to playing rugby with the new Alexei. (Laughter.)

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this late 1990's peace and prosperity is

going to come a fantastic Republican party, like it was before. Out of the ashes of blind irrational Clinton hatred --

and my god, we can't stand Bill Clinton or anything associated with him, whether it's balanced budgets or

bipedalism -- there's going to be a fantastically fucked up new America. And I'm looking forward to sitting in the

White House and laughing at... fuck, whoever I want to laugh at, because I'm the president, and you're not.

(Laughter.)

"Let them eat cake."

GWB, 1912: "The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a

fantastic movie someday. Out of the shipwreck in the North Atlantic -- and we've lost the entire boat -- there's

going to be a fantastic Hollywood spectacle. And I'm looking forward to sitting down with a big bowl of popcorn

and watching 'Titanic.'"

It appears that no one wishes to discuss if this is impeachable or not. Wasn't that the question? This now

resembles a Junior-High school 'Slam book" and little else.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

medical advances, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the Jewish race -- we lost like six million of us --

there's going to be some fantastic research done. And I'm looking forward to taking some of that medicine.

(Laughter.)


"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of the chaos and waste and corruption and

needless bloodshed of this administration is going to come a whole new political paradigm in this country, where

cronyism and ideological blindness will no longer dominate the Republican Party -- we've lost our entire credibility

-- and no member of my accursed family will ever be nominated as a Republican candidate for dogcatcher. And I'm

looking forward to sitting on my porch in Crawford with Jeb and George P. and the twins, talking about the days

when we had a future in this party."

Under Article II, Section 4 of the Constituion, the President "shall be removed from office on impeachment for, and

conviction of, treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors." While I'm no expert in this area, it

doesn't appear that being dimwitted, uncaring, completely shifless and otherwise wretchedly incompetent

constitute any of these offenses, or any other sort of criminal offense. That said, GWB is an offense to man and

God.

So far, first prize goes to Dr.FrankLives.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a new and

improved Vietnam, better than before. Out of the clouds of napalm engulfing a small girl's house -- she's lost all

her clothes -- there's going to be a bordello. And I'm looking forward to that young naked girl sitting on my porch.

(Laugheter.)

No way. I vote for Ugh and methane. That one made me snort.

Greg's entry made me laugh out loud -- the first good laugh I've had for weeks.

And I think Reba ("could someone stop coughing in the back") has a job writing for Bob Newhart soon.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this meteor strike is going to come some

fantastic new energy sources. After the bones of us dinosaurs -- pretty much all of us are going to starve to death

under this enormous cloud of dust -- have been heated and compressed for hundreds of millions of years, there's

gonna be a lot of oil. And I'm looking forward to drilling some of that oil.

Ok, maybe that one's not far-fetched enough.

Whoa -- Scar deserves a round of applause for that one!

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new

South, like it was before. Out of the rubble of the plantations--they've all lost so much--there will be fantastic new

sharecropping estates, and a new generation of anti-black legislation as soon as we get this reconstruction

business over with. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porches of those plantations, sipping ice tea and

watching the darkies work.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -that when the rivers are finally cleared of the Tutsi

bodies, Rwanda will have a lot of job openings and rapid promotions, for anyone with a can do attitude and it

willing to work. We're also going to learn a lot about forgiveness, and real estate prices are sure to ease in the

coming months. I don't know about you, but I've got my eye on a few empty mansions around the city. (laughter)

Well, Jim Jones and the church members had a bit of a miscalculation in their Kool-Aid mixture. But I'm sure that

the survivors will be able to figure out which ingredients to leave out (or just not put as much in), and we'll be

able to have a REALLY great church picnic back in Guyana next year.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to bring forth a fantastic

Jonestown - like it was before.And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch with the new cult members ,sipping

some of that sweet Kool-Aid.

Damn,somebody else thought of Jim Jones first.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Enron.Out of the rubbles of the employees' savings -- they lost everything they had -- there's going to be a

fantastic company. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the board.

>>It appears that no one wishes to discuss if this is impeachable or not.

Impeaching is done by Congress. Congress is run by Republicans. Bush would have to be videotaped fucking farm

animals to even get an impeachement vote - and he'd still no get impeached.

"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Pearl

Harbor, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the Arizona – we’ve lost most of the fleet -- there's going to be a

fantastic memorial and continual oil slick. And I'm looking forward to one of those drinks with the little umbrella in

it. (Laughter.)"

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new

America, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the Native Americans -- we've lost pretty much everything --

there's going to be some fantastic casinos. And I look forward to playing the slots.

Sorry, forgot to punctuate it with (Laughter.)

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this fire is going to come a fantastic Rome,

like it was before. Out of the ashes of Trentus Lottus's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a

fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to playing my fiddle on the porch. (Laughter.)

With black community leaders so justly furious about the slowness of the rescue and supplies to arrive, what a

time to be clowning around with Trent Lott. Gawd.

Can they PLEASE impeach him now?!

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new

Oklahoma Federal Building, like it was before. Out of the rubbles from McVeigh's righteous outrage at any sort of

government -- and he did go a bit over the top -- there's going to be a fantastic new target for our party to

campaign against, even as we use it to loot tax money. And I'm looking forward to making a few bucks off it too.

(Laughter.)

The good news is Jackie never looked good in pink and that stain with the president's blood and gray matter will

never come out, so she'll have to get rid of that awful dress and pillbox hat.

The good news is -- and it's hard for straight America to see it now -- that out of this massive earthquake is going

to come a fabulous new San Francisco, with rapidly appreciating property values and a wonderful yearly parade.

Out of the rubbles of the bathhouses – which are strictly heterosexual today -- there's going to be enough man

sex to make Alexander the great blush. And I'm looking forward to finally getting on with my man date.

(Laughter.)

I think we've got this whole contest wrong.

"We're going to win the war on weather." Then, Jonah Goldberg or people of his ilk start saying that those who

criticize the President are on the side of nature.

And they must ridiculed and those who support them oppose man.

Sorry, I'm not as witty as others above. I know people who have family down there and my sense of humor is

really just off. But Greg totally gets any vote that applies here, if such a vote exists -- which I know it doesn't.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Chernobyl, a Chernobyl like it was before, only now one that glows in the dark. Out of the rubbles of the power

plan there -- they lost an entire powerplant -- there's going to be a fantastic power plant. And I'm looking forward

to seeing it glow. (Laughter.)

(Perhaps a bit obvious, but I'm on a roll with the Star Wars references today...)

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Republic, like it was before. Out of the remains of Anakin Skywalker's humanity -- he's lost his entire humanity --

there's going to be a fantastic new person. And I'm looking forward to ruling the galaxy with him. (Laughter.)

Posted by: Bryan Collinsworth | Sep 2, 2005 6:47:46 PM

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

universe, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the heat death of the universe -- all matter has been consumed

-- there's going to be another big bang and a fantastic universe. And I'm looking forward to it all being run by

well-connected rich morons, just like before. (Laughter.)

Hee. But Mr Collinsworth, there are so many Star Wars references you can plug:

"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic

Alderaan, like it was before. Out of the remains of Leia Organa's planet -- she's lost her entire planet -- there's

going to be a fantastic new void in the middle of space. And I'm looking forward to blowing up more rebel planets

like hers." (Laughter.)

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of the global destruction of the earth by this

heaven-sent flood, me, my boy Noah, and my animals here on this ark are going to repopulate the world.

Now, watch me fuck this monkey... (Laughter)


"The good news is -- and it's hard for you N'awlins natives to see it now -- is that the fires aren't spreading! They

can't spread, see? They burn down to the water line and go out by themselves. This'll save you big bucks in

rebuilding over the next few months." (Laughter.)

The real tragedy, and I know it's hard to see this now, is that most of the submissions posted here have actually

been a lot less reprehensible and monstrous than Dear Leader's. I don't blame anyone here for that. There's no

shame at failing an impossible mission.


The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this annihilation of the twelve colonies by

the Cylons we’re going to go on a fantastic journey to our lost colony, Earth. Out of the rubbles of our lost worlds

– and there’s not many of us left -- there's going to be a fantastic chance to procreate. And I'm looking forward to

the meeting some of the newly single ladies. (Laughter.)

Posted by: Sauce | Sep 2, 2005 7:37:00 PM

Sauce, you are frakking EVIL.

Okay, that proves it. Bush is a toaster.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that our friend Dr. Strangelove here has assured me

that despite the Doomsday Machine going off -- some humans will go on living underground until the Earth is

livable again.I understand there will be some interesting procreational options - heh - for high government

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come an anthill that

will rise above the sidewalk crack again, adn that will withstand even the hightop Chucks which decimated our old

anthill.


"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that because you've been repeatedly raped, in nine

months you're going to give birth to a beautiful baby boy, or baby girl. Out of your torn and bleeding uterus -- your

rapist tore your uterus, by the way -- there's going to be a fantastic new child. And I look forward to reading that

child a story about a pet goat, and teaching it about intelligent design."

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now-- is that Dunwich will rebuilt all the houses destroyed

with the latest technology, and with the two additional social workers coming in from Alyesbury twice a week,

we'll be able to put a stop to people breeding their daughters with Elder Gods before too long(laughter and

applause.

While thoroughly enjoying this little outpouring of comedic creativity, I must admit I've also been waiting with

baited breath for some righty to come along and denounce us all for mocking the President's efforts to give people

hope in times of tragedy. Are we simply so cynical as to believe that there is no future for New Orleans, that there

are no second chances, that disaster can never give way to triumph?

I think the answer to such a reaming-out is simple, though: It's not the prospects for relief and rebirth that we

mock; it's that our President's shallow attempt to offer a cheap imitation of these noble sentiments reveals his

inability to acknowledge the depth of the tragedy that is still unfolding, and forbodes an equal ineptitude at ever

leading us toward genuine, affirming rebuilding and rebirth in its wake (though I'm sure Trent Lott's house will

manage, somehow).

Instead, like so many times before, he offers condescending answers to questions no one is asking, as if the only

cause of the starvation, deprivation, looting, and other horrors we are witnessing is insufficient optimism on the

part of those suffering in Louisiana and Mississippi.

I vote Edddie wins, for managing to come up with something that would make Bush's handlers commit hara-kiri on

the spot if he ever actually uttered it.


The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that the disagreement in Nanking means several things:

1) With a lower population, housing prices will come down, and everyone now will have more to eat.

2) Many women will soon give birth to children who represent the best of both worlds.

I look forward to meeting some if those children in several years, and having them do my laundry.


The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this will come a better, stronger Atlantis, one

destined to rise up and be a beacon of light and civilzation for the rest of the world.

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that the strength and individual fortitude of the Donner

party represent the core of what's best about America. And we'll all be able to share some fine new recipes, which

I look forward to serving at the next State Dinne

The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a even better

New Orleans, more better than before. Out of the rubbles of the French Quarters -- and I hate the French you see

-- there's going to be some fantastic business opportunities for Halliburton. And I'm looking forward to drinking a

Margarita with Cheney. Where's Ken Lay by the way.. (Laughter.)

(Oh shit, that's already happening...... )

The good news---and this may be hard for some to see it now---is that our of the ruins of Mordor there is going to

come a whole new Mordor. Out of what's left of Sauron---and he's lost his entire body---there's going to be

erected a great whole new tower. And I look forward to sitting on its battlements eye-to-eye with him, and

laughing at the small angry men with burning faces and hairy feet with him.

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