Bush Eats Baby
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Republicans across the nation are scrambling to defend President George W. Bush after he ate a baby during a visit to the White House kitchen early last evening.
Eye witnesses report that the president left the White House residence at around 8:05 p.m. eastern time wearing what appeared to be a crudely stitched "woman suit made from actual women".
He then entered the White House kitchen where he ate a baby with a side order of "a Cobb Salad containing raw puppy heads".
"I'm a baby eater. An eater of babies," the president told reporters this morning in the Rose Garden. "That's my job. My job is to tell the American people what I eat. And I eat babies and puppies while wearing suits of women. At least you know where I stand."
The presidential "Suit of Women" has been confirmed as having been fashioned from obese D.C. area residents who were coaxed into a nondescript van driven by Bush and his senior political advisor Karl Rove.
The women were then forced to, "Put the lotion on their skin or else they get the hose again," says an anonymous White House source. The skins of the women were then harvested and sewn together into a costume which, when worn, makes the president appear to be an actual woman.
Photographs of the suit, which is allegedly flattering to the president's groin region, have yet to be released to the public.
Reports have not yet confirmed the identities of the women or the baby, but it has been confirmed that the president dropped the two-week-old child into a blender, set the device for "liquefy", then drank it down in only a few short gulps. He then decapitated several puppies, dropped them into a bed of lettuce and, "Scarfed it down like a Viking," said a White House kitchen employee.
REPUBLICANS DEFEND AND SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT
"Our goal isn't to play the blame game during an on-going investigation because the investigation is going on in an on-going kind of way indicative of an investigation," White House press secretary Scott McClellan told reporters. "There's a time for that and that time isn't now."
Republicans, however, are already calling for an investigation into the "inaction" of the White House kitchen staff for allowing this to happen.
"I'm not going to engage in the blame game. That baby was stupid for not running away and calling 911 for assistance," said House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX). "And I've seen the president's woman suit up close and I can tell you, it's better than mine. Never-the-less, the kitchen staff should be held accountable for letting this happen on their turf."
"I'm not going to engage in the blame game. That baby was stupid for not running away and calling 911 for assistance," said Republican Senator Trent Lott. "And I've seen the president's woman suit up close and I can tell you, it's better than mine. Never-the-less, the kitchen staff should be held accountable for letting this happen on their turf."
"I'm not going to engage in the blame game. That baby was stupid for not running away and calling 911 for assistance," said conservative Fox News host Sean Hannity. "And I've seen the president's woman suit up close and I can tell you, it's better than mine. Never-the-less, the kitchen staff should be held accountable for letting this happen on their turf."
"That baby was stupid for not running away and calling 911 for assistance," said formerly unknown conservative talk radio host Studs Pepperoni. "And I've seen the president's woman suit up close and I can tell you, it's better than mine. Never-the-less, the kitchen staff should be held accountable for letting this happen on their turf."
"Those women should be penalized for allowing themselves to get so fat and thus ripening themselves for skin harvesting," Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) commented on a Pennsylvania cable access show. Santorum had no comment on the puppies.
Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh blamed former president Bill Clinton, "Folks, the eees-syooo here has nothing to do with babies or women or blenders or puppies. This has everything to do with Bill Clinton -- you know something folks -- Snerdly is telling me to cut it, but -- ummmm -- the nigg -- you know, I mean babies -- Clinton had eight years to stop babies from being ingested."
While progressive bloggers are calling for the immediate arrest and impeachment of the president, denizens of the right-wing blogosphere immediately weighed in with their thoughts on the presidential crisis.
"Whiny libs are fags." -GOPawesome420.
"Shut up traitors attaking the prez is just showig your faggy lib colors." -Dittofan56.
"You lost, we won, get over it you whiny homos." -Nospinguy57.
BUSH FAMILY REACTION
The president's mother, Barbara Bush told reporters during a visit to Texas, "Those puppies were going to be used as fishing bait anyway, they're much better off now. BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHA! HA!"
"It hurts me to the core that the liberal elite have begun to attack my boy," former president George H. W. Bush said Friday. "I know my boy and he's a compassionate, caring person. He could've eaten the baby alive, but he took the care to blend it up first. Round and round doing that thing a blender does down there."
LIKE A MERRY-GO-ROUND
Congressman Tom DeLay added this morning, "I bet the baby thought it was an amusement park ride. The blender must've been like a merry-go-round then the president's throat was like a fun water slide."
Funny. I just wrote my own parody along these lines, too: http://www.tpmcafe.com/story/2005/9/8/22952/63373
Snippet: Test your conservative ideological purity!:
The Republican Party is in control of all three branches of government, and the news media. As the party of responsibility, who do you blame _____?
-The buck stops here.
A mother has lost three sons fighting the War on Terror in Iraq and Afghanistan. She is a member of the National Guard and has been awarded numerous medals for valor. She lost all four limbs in a roadside bomb. She is a lifelong Republican and active member of the local Church of Christ and has voted for Bush twice. But she does not support the President's plan to privatize social security. Do you:
-Recognize that everyone is entitled to her opinion
-Set up an organization to smear her for running a sex slave operation for the UN
The war is going badly. Who’s to blame?
New Orleans has been in chaos for several days after the flooding. You see a picture on the news of a black man wading through the water with a loaf of bread and a bottle of water. What is the first thing that comes to mind?
-He is found the items in a local grocery store
-He looted the local Quickie Mart
-Get a job
A man is dead. A trail of blood leads to the President’s Bronco. Fingerprints matching the President are on the handle and steering wheel. A bloody glove is found in the front lawn of the White House, and blood and hair follicles are found on the President’s clothes, all matching the victim. Who is the prime suspect in this crime?
-The black man carrying bread and water in the photo
They have a video tape of the President’s confession. On the tape, he says, “I killed the bastard, and I’m glad I did it.” In his confession, he admits to mugging for the police surveillance camera outside the victim’s home. Who do you suspect now?
-The liberal police department
-Dan Rather for doctoring the video
-The black man in the photo
Your mother is a witness to the crime. She’s willing to testify against the President in court. What do you think now?
-Still got to go with the black man in the photo
-Okay, this does look a little suspicious. Call Karl Rove.
-They got to you, too, mom!
That night, you are visited by your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who begs – no, pleads – with you to please, open your eyes and admit the facts in front of you or risk damning your soul to eternal hell fire! What is the first thing that comes to mind now?
-All right, all right, the bastard did it.
-Why isn’t the media looking into all the people Nancy Pelosi killed?
Posted by: Memekiller on September 10, 2005 at 12:31PM
This isn't a metaphor is it? You have actually lost your mind with rage and hate. Come back to planet Earth boy. You're speaking of an American president not Stalin or Hitler.
Posted by: Tim on September 10, 2005 at 12:31PM
Try this: www.courant.com/horganblog
Posted by: UnAccomplished on September 10, 2005 at 12:33PM
Posted by: el kabong on September 10, 2005 at 12:34PM
How I've missed quality progressive political satire. I guess this fellow proves that humor really does work best when delivered with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. After all, you don't want there to be any possibility that people miss your point that you really really hate conservatives.
Posted by: Mike Kennedy on September 10, 2005 at 12:34PM
Brilliant! To quote Al Frankin "Satire is protected under 1st Amendment even if the person being satired doesn't get it" great work
Posted by: Bill on September 10, 2005 at 12:35PM
This is only the second time in my life I've responded to any post, though since the year 2000 I've been shaking my head in disbelief at the inert,inept, ignorant American people who support this administration. I've actually worried that I have a permanent head shaking disorder now that five years have passed. No matter how incompetent, how determined this administration has been to destroy this nation in every way imaginable, there are still those who defend them. I've used all of the trite cliches, "They've drunk THE KOOL-ADE", etc. Today your brilliant post has my head nodding up and down...good for a change.What IS this INSANITY? And, most importantly, what do we who vent at our keyboards in a now Third-Rate Nation DO about this? One cannot have a rational conversation with an irrational person...and our nation is full of them. Losing hope here as I've heard brainwashed ideologues call into c-span supporting Bush and blaming the victims over and over and over again. I fear America has truly seen her day, is broken beyond repair. Nothing, nothing, nothing reaches these "voters"??? What a horrifying five years we've witnessed.
Posted by: Kathleen on September 10, 2005 at 12:43PM
oh my God! I never made the connection: Is that why Bush is killing all those Iraqis; the littlest ones are secretly brought over and cooked for him at the WhitHouse.
Posted by: feeler on September 10, 2005 at 12:43PM
Funny if it wasn't so plausible....
Posted by: BB on September 10, 2005 at 12:47PM
Leave it to you liberal fags to only show one side of the story. Baby-eating is the best thing for the economy. The President needs to be well-fed to run the country. It's hard work.
This whole thing is a plot cooked up by PETA and those pro-abortion nuts anyway.
Posted by: Condy Ritz on September 10, 2005 at 01:01PM
It has a ring of truth to it.
Posted by: Abdullah on September 10, 2005 at 01:06PM
I think they tried this in Ireland a while ago. the rich english would pay the irish for the children and eat them, also make shoes and coats from the skin. The irish economy would thrive by raising children like cattle, and the english would have meat to eat.
It was the parody of the times as well. But it did make the point, like I hope this one does.
A Modest Proposal
By Jonathan Swift (1729)
Posted by: Jonathan Swift on September 10, 2005 at 01:22PM